I am sitting in a quaint little coffee shop - one of my favorite places to be and I am battling. My heart and my head (and a little bit of my faith) is at war...
You see, today is Mother's Day and it hasn't been all that I dreamed it would be.
My daughter woke up with a rash all over her body. (We are pretty sure it is allergy induced as we spent a good bit of yesterday at the Tulip Festival in Pella, Iowa.) Because of it, we missed church and resorted to giving Kylie a dose of Benadryl (which usually does the trick).
About the time we thought Kylie was feeling better, we decided to try to go to Perkins. Long story short, we ended up having to leave the restaurant as Kylie couldn't handle it. What set her off? Could have been the lighting, the sound the smell... could have been the people, we just aren't sure.
However, we can rejoice that two more of the world's population are now educated about Autism as I took the time to have a little "classroom time" with the two elderly ladies sitting across the aisle from us who just couldn't keep their thoughts to themselves. They felt my daughter shouldn't be so demanding and "specific". (Don't worry, I was kind)
Once in the car, we asked Kylie if she would like formula (she had eaten next to nothing and we were pretty sure her hunger was "feeding" the meltdown). Kylie said yes, about the same time that the mom of the year (ahem... me) discovered that I had forgotten to pack the "formula cup".
So, being the creative survivor I am, I dumped Kylie's "iced tea cup" (the buzz lightyear cup) and poured the formula into that...When Kylie was presented with the Buzz Lightyear cup, she noticed that it was formula white vs the brown tea color. Even though she wanted the formula, this slight change catapulted the princess into phase 2 of the meltdown...(can you see how this day is going?)
So in our best "Dave Ramsey Mode" (afraid not) - trying to desperately save a shred of mother's day, We headed to the nearest Walmart to buy - yes BUY, Dave, the "correct" sippy cup for formula so we could feed our daughter (or more correctly, so the princess would take the sustenance).
(I'm telling you, Dave Ramsey would have to write a new book if he lived my life)
Back to my battle...
Dan approached me on Mother's Day eve and presented an idea to me about how we should spend the following day. He wanted to take me out to eat and give me some alone time in a coffee shop so I could write, update my blog, read email or whatever I felt like doing... HEAVEN in a nutshell to me. I rarely get time alone.
I knew in my head that having a plan was probably not a good idea, but I wanted so much to experience a normal day...
As I sit here, I am struggling with my thoughts... "Why God? Why TODAY? Why is Kylie having such a hard time? Can't I just have one day? one afternoon? What in the world can be the good in this?"
The Holy Spirit keeps bringing this verse to my mind: "THIS is the day the Lord has made - Rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24)
"THIS is the day the Lord has made - Rejoice! Be glad in it!" - that is a super easy verse to throw around when things are sunny, happy, celebratory. Would I find comfort in it or even address OR acknowledge it for a day like today? a day when things are less than perfect or dreamy?
As I was discussing this with Dan - my Prince Charming and a man who really TRIED to give me "a day", I got all choked up over the phrase "THIS is the day the Lord has made..." - God made THIS day in my life and this was how it was SUPPOSED to be! It was not a fluke or an accident. This day was INTENDED for me.
THIS day and ALL my days are intentional!!
WOW... chew on that for a bit!
Mother's day, in all reality, has never been the way I wanted or dreamed it would be...My story has ALWAYS been unique. I mean, everyone has a unique story, but most mom's celebrate Mother's day in a normal way... mine has never been normal.
I remember 10+ years ago when Mother's day was such a painful day for me. I REMEMBER. AND still, today, my heart aches for women who long to experience motherhood. I will never forget.
In some ways, my experience is still difficult. This week a friend of mine posted on Facebook that her son made her a card in preschool and when asked how old she was, he answered "70" - that was so cute and so funny, but when I read of that "typical preschool experience" my heart sunk...would Kylie ever make me a card? I turned to Kylie and asked "Kylie, how old is mommy?" and Kylie replied "happy!"
This morning, Kylie approached me and said "Excuse me, Do you need formula?" (She meant... Mommy, I'm hungry). I had hoped for "Happy Mother's Day", but at least she CAME to me. I rejoice in little things. Things that most take for granted.
I have learned that I only see bits and pieces of the picture. Only GOD has the comprehensive and complete view. I am only a PART of HIS plan- a single color in the artwork of life.
I wonder what people see when they become a voyeur of my life... Have I made a choice to rejoice and be glad? Do I play the martyr or victim? Am I transparent and real or am I sarcastic and ungrateful?
Do they see how much I truly love my life? (even though it is different from how I ever thought it would be? and even though sometimes it is really hard?) Do they see that my precious girl makes me such a better person, how we laugh as we stumble through life as a family, and how we LOVE AND TRUST the plan that GOD has for us?
This is the thought process that I go through when I try to understand the life lessons God is trying to teach me or how those very difficult lessons work for HIS GLORY to help others.
Do you see how easy it is for me to laugh and cry all in the same day?
Today has been a hard one emotionally for us. We WANTED something completely different, but while we grieve what could not have been, we know and have FAITH that God wants only our best and are comforted that the day is not yet over....
His mercies are new every day!!
Today I will rejoice that, in my sweet Kylie's eyes, I am HAPPY (and not 70) =0)
Happy Mother's Day to me and to all of you!!
P.S. How did I end up in a coffee shop? God extended mercy and grace and allowed Dan to take Kylie to play at Pottery Barn kids (want to read more about that? Read the very first post I ever put on this blog: "Twirl With Me Mommy" click here... Story about Kylie and Pottery Barn Kids: Twirl With Me Mommy