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Monday, March 21, 2011

One Thousand Sleepless Nights

What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

Those are some really hard, soul-searching questions to answer. 

I encountered them when a friend of mine, Rebekah, posted the link to this song on facebook.  I have found that Rebekah and I have quite a bit in common concerning our taste in books, music and etc. So, when I saw that she had posted this, I was eager to listen to it. 

I sobbed through the entire song!!!

 I had no idea the reaction that I would have to the lyrics of this song or how they so closely mirrored thoughts and feelings of my heart- even the aches and pains I have groaned about repeatedly to my Lord.

Please read my post, but most of all listen to the song and then read the lyrics (at the end of this post).

     Based on the calculations of my accountant husband, I have experienced 1,645 sleepless nights.  That pretty much encompasses the past 5 years (minus the first 6 months of my daughter's life when she and I both slept like a baby).

From the age of 6 months, my daughter has been up 2-3 times every night.  She has to be medicated to even fall asleep.  Once she wakes, she has an even more difficult time going back to sleep.  If we are lucky, our family will get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep and then we are up again.  We have been living this cycle for 5 years!

I can't even put into words what it is like to be so sleep deprived- to feel so "out of your body".  The thing that is so difficult for me is that I waited a LONG time (13.5 years) to finally be a mommy and I want SO MUCH to embrace every moment I can with my precious girl.  I want to feel refreshed and alive and full of energy but most days I feel exhausted, tired, fuzzy and like a limp dishrag! The human body simply wasn't designed for such a sleep-deprived hardship!

While the lack of sleep is so draining on this mama, my Kylie doesn't seem to be affected at all!  She wakes up with a smile on her face if she has 2 hours sleep or 5 hours of sleep.  I don't know how that is physically possible, but it is a blessing to me and I am so thankful for it!

When I am so tired, everything affects me in a sensitive way.  I break down easier, I cry easier, I have trouble making decisions, I have difficulty multi-tasking (something I thrived on before), I move so slow, I gain weight (because I am too tired to make and clean up a decent meal and too tired to exercise), my friendships are sorely neglected if not gone altogether (and I don't blame them, I wouldn't put up with me either), my home suffers as I don't last very long in cleaning mode, and my relationship with the Lord is well...

It is hard to describe - honestly and publicly what my relationship with the Lord looks like these days.  On one hand, I love him, I trust him, I know he has a plan, I believe he will take care of us. 

On the other hand, I ask him a million questions: Why don't you heal Kylie?, Is this why you made me wait so long to be a mom? What is your plan? What will her future be like? Is this hardship going to be forever?

Or, it is me telling him/often begging him for what I want: Father, please help her sleep, Please help her stay asleep, Please help her go back to sleep, Please help the neighbor to park down the street so my girl doesn't hear his LOUD car, Please knock out the street lamp across the street so it won't shine in our window and wake up my girl, Please help me stay awake so I can have some quality time with my husband, Please help her learn to sleep through the night so we can eventually have a weekend away...Please, Please, Please!!

Or, as I am rocking my baby at night, and my tears soak her blanket,  I am breaking down/complaining/comparing our life to the life of other families who seem to have it so easy!  God, have you forgotten about me? What have we done to deserve this hardship? Heal my girl- Have mercy and help her sleep!!  What do you want me to do to fix this? What are you asking of us?

Or, when I am completely spent and am beyond myself...

... It is in this place of desperation that I praise God and thank God for the GIFT he has given me through over one thousand sleepless nights

What a pleasure it is to hold my Kylie's body against mine (way past the time that most mommies are given). To feel her fist wound tightly in my hair, to feel her warm breath on my cheek, to have her arms wrapped around my neck, to feel her little heart beat against my chest, to rub her back the way she loves so much, to breathe in her snuggly baby scent, to rock gently to the rhythm of the night... and to commune with my Savior - who is always with us - holding us tight in his very capable hands...

God's greatest gift to me is that I get to hold my baby a little while longer and that is what often gets me through.  It has made all the difference. 

My healing HAS come in tears (and a lot of honest communication with my Heavenly Father) and He DID bring me closer through one thousand sleepless nights!  I wish it hadn't taken that, but it did, so I realize now that the trials of our life really and truly are his mercies in disguise.  Things really could be so much worse than they are.

Laura Story's song, Blessings is the story of my life the past 5 years, though she didn't write it for me.  Laura wrote the song for those like me (including herself).

 Laura has her own story of questioning, complaining, begging and ultimately being thankful - Her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor after they had been married for only 2 years - hope you will learn about her story via

One thousand sleepless nights... I never thought that anyone could ever understand what that is like - and here it is, included in the most beautiful song.  What a BLESSING it has been to my tired soul.

Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep

We pray for healing
For prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand
to ease our suffering

And all the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness
We doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
Lord, that we’d have faith to believe

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?


  1. P.S. Laura Story's new cd with the song "Blessings" comes out on April 12th. She is also in concert in Bloomington Illinois this weekend

  2. This is a really touching post. I'm a spiritual rather than a religious person, but I see many parallels in the questions we ask in the night about the whys of the burdens we are given.

    I'm a preschool teacher and have been learning a lot about dealing with children on the spectrum. I never would have believed that forming a relationship with an ASD child could be so rewarding, but as I come across more and more students who have been touched with this syndrome I just end up with more and more kids I adore.

    But I really recognise the difficulties you speak of, too. We have rest time at preschool and I often sit or lie with little S, aged 4, and ask for mercy- please let him sleep, please let him not wake the others, please, I have so much I'm expected to do in this time... it's only a tiny fraction of what you have to bear, but it's enough for me to really hear you.

    Hold on there, Amy. I hear your pain.

  3. Thanks for your comments Aunt Annie- Who knew that sleep could be so exhausting!! =0) I look forward to checking out your blog more!!